A recent sobriety kick, simply the latest in a destined-to-fail string of sobriety kicks(1) got me thinking about D.A.R.E., and subsequently, the douchey, preachy quote above that sounds like its lifted from a D.A.R.E. handbook. Is this really true? Isn't a drink every now and then supposed to be a good way to unwind, and (gasp!), possibly even good for you? So how do I decide when sobriety meets futility, when the crying young infant that is drinking-abstinence is soothed and warmed by the trusty blanket that is beer/wine and other various spirits? To the experts!
I've always (for the last hour) tried to live my life on the principles of two men, neither of which are actual men, and one of which is a stuffed animal: Michael Corleone and the D.A.R.E. lion(2). What I've repeatedly found is that these two figures, as we'll call them, would not make it through fall semester freshman year as roommates, they conflict on everything and leave me one confused, mentor-starved young adult(3). For example:
A. Michael Corleone encourages his dying father, who by the way had just admitted his increasing addiction to wine, to "drink up, it's good for you." Also, Michael repeatedly drinks while on the job, something he, Don Draper, and Chris Berman apparently have in common.
B. The finalists for D.A.R.E.'s slogan contest in Middleton, Massachusetts this past May included "A drug a day keeps life away," "Make good choices," and "Live life without drugs"(4). Granted, these are about hard drugs, but my health teachers always said "alcohol is a drug." Using a little something called the transitive property that Mr. Andy DiPalma (shout out to Dodd Middle School) taught me, that means these slogans all apply to booze as well.
Legions of 12-year old Massachusetts children with a lion for a mascot, or the most feared and revered(5) fake mobster of all time? This is the new Montagues vs. Capulets. There's simply no right answer, and at the end, everyone's going to die, probably from drugs and alcohol.
Next sidebar, the D.A.R.E. website talks about a program called P.L.U.S.(6), or Play and Learn Under Supervision. Forgive me if I'm wrong, as the closest I've gotten to having a kid is trying to make my niece laugh for 15 minutes here or there, but isn't "playing and learning under supervision" the exact definition of childhood? Are we now just replacing everyday activities with awesome acronyms? I am going to start a program called G.A.G., Get up And Go to work, or maybe one called E.D.T, Eat Dinner Tonight. I will be president and founder of these two programs, regardless of the implications of a resume containing "President of the GAG foundation." I would talk more about the D.A.R.E. website but half of it is a page that "IS FOR KIDZ ONLY," so I couldn't click on it.
Having leeched all I can from my two favorite advice-givers/oracles(7), I am right back where I started: do I stay the (BORING) course or do I have a glass of delicious, heart disease-preventing, wonderful deep sleep-inducing red wine? Do I need new oracles? Probably. Do I want a glass of wine? Definitely. And thus, the age old question of who would win a fight between a lion wearing a t-shirt and Al Pacino is resolved.
Boom. Blogged.
1. Graph [really a timeline] of my enthusiasm for sobriety kicks and corresponding legend to follow.
2. Really? A Lion? Cause DARE bear wouldn't have sounded awesome?
3. Society, Facebook, Anderson Cooper, someone needs to come up with a term for the 22-29 age range. Young adults sounds idiotic, as evidenced above, but no one would argue these people are proper adults, myself very much included.
4. Apologies go out to Victoria Tucker here. How "Make good choices" did not win escapes my abilities of comprehension. Sister, you got robbed. I haven't seen a farce this egregious since "What do my farts smell like?" didn't win this
5. I'm emailing Walt "Clyde" Frazier to see if he'll include this in future Knicks broadcasts
6. It's really annoying to type a period after every letter, FYI.
7. No offense Mom and Dad, you can't compete with Mike Corleone and a stuffed lion though.
